Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
