The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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