Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think your dad took our porno
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
dude. I can hear the air.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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