Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
