Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
