I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
