Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
