I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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