I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
