Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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