Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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