Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
40s are totally the cure
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
