I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
