I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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