then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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