he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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