You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
