I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
