I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Soap is not a condiment
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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