Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
