Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there was a trapeze. enough said
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
