I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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