there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
