My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
