i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
