Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
