Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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