You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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