i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
