I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
