P.S. I can't hear my feet
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
