i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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