what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
