I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
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Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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