i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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