you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
