So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
