vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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