I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
