next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
