3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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