life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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