So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
