at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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