First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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