Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
