Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
