last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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