Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My breasts were aching with rage.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
