There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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