Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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