The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
