I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I touched a dick in church today
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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