I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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