god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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